Reinventing Positivity

Remembering to live in the midst of death

2009-11-27T21:28:00.000-08:00

I was extremely close to my grandma, my father's mother. She died from Breast Cancer nearly 4 years ago. God, it seems like yesterday. It's hard to understand sometimes... When I was little, she found out she had breast cancer and she went through radiation and had a mastectomy and was in remission. Then, just before Thanksgiving 4 years ago, she ended up in the hospital, and around Christmas that year, we found out the doctors found cancer in her bones, liver, and lungs. Somehow, some of the cancer cells had either metastasized before the mastectomy or evaded the mastectomy, but either way, the breast cancer had come back... Two months later, she died.

Death is difficult to deal with. It's one of the things I think speaks most to this need to reinvent positivity. We have the clichés we tell ourselves and other people when someone dies... "She's in a better place." "She lived a good life." "She's not in pain any more." Seems to me that the better place would be still able to be living a good life without the cancer. But maybe that's just me--I get angry when I think about death because I feel cheated. My grandma was the world to me. And she will never meet my children. She's not here to see me get my Master's next semester. She's not around for me to call when I'm trying to decide what to do with my life. So what is positivity in the midst of this pain, this hurt, this anger? Do I keep telling myself "she's in a better place," until I actually believe it? I don't think so. To me that seems counterproductive, and if I try to do that, I get angry with myself and feel selfish for not being happy for her. But that is the reality. I am not happy for her. She's missing out.... My brother's daughter was just born 2 weeks ago... They will never meet.

But, I am learning that positivity can come into this darkness we call death and grief. For a while, my heart would break when I saw a postcard that made me think of my grandma. Because in the past I would have sent it to her just to tell her I was thinking of her. And now I can't. And that would throw me off--the rest of the day, I would be grumpy and angry and sad. But I've learned to deal with it differently. Instead of getting stuck in the death, I take a deep breath with the heartache and remind myself to live. I buy the postcard. I write a thank you to her on the back and I tuck it away in my scrapbook of her.

Today, I was shopping, and saw some fabric.... It was bright pink with butterflies and breast cancer ribbons on it. My heart broke--I would have gotten it to make my grandma a blanket... But I can't. Then I took that deep breath and reminded myself to live. I miss my grandma. I always will. But that doesn't mean I can't feel her warmth around me. I bought the fabric, and a complimentary fabric that I probably wouldn't have used for my grandma, but that was perfect for me. I came home and made the blanket. And now, I'll wrap it around me and breathe in and remember all that my grandma gave me. She may be gone, but the difference she's made in my life is not, and hopefully, this blanket will help me to be mindful of that more often. To remember and not just to grieve.

Back to the Basics

2009-11-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

I am grumpy today. And I mean, all out, pissed off at the world. But I think for good reason. It's been one of those days. Crappy e-mail from a friend, computer program not working to finish a major project that has to be done by tomorrow, lost some important data, have a migraine, etc. You know. It's one of those days.

But I realized in the middle of the day that there were three things that were missing:
1)Sitting down to eat at least 3 decent meals (I grabbed a granola bar for breakfast as I was running late, had a few crackers with a little bit of peanut butter as a working lunch, etc.)
2)Exercise (I finally have the go-ahead to get back to swimming after my ankle surgery, and I've been too busy)
3)Sleep (I got to bed late last night, had nightmares, had a certain kitten wake me up every few hours last night, and got up early this morning)

And I realize that a day that lacks these three things will seem so much worse than it actually is and will quickly become much worse than it would be otherwise. The first step to being able to live positivity is to make sure your basic needs are met. Food, water, sleep, and physical activity. Start there, start with the basics, or else the lofty goals of "optimism" and "gratitude" will remain fully out of reach.

So, I ate a good dinner, drank some water, did my gyrokenesis exercises, and am heading to bed early. Maybe tomorrow I can reach a little further. Today, it's just back to the basics.

Positivity and Real Life

2009-10-22T19:10:00.001-07:00

I'm really into Positive Psychology. By way of definition, to me, Positive Psychology is the study of human strengths and well-being. I'm enthralled by it. The fact that there is a wave of psychology that is attempting to scientifically study human strength and well-being is a really fabulous development in the field of psychology. But I think a lot of people have the wrong idea of this brand of psychology. For many people, I think "Positive Psychology" is synonymous with "optimism" and "happiness," and rightfully so, because those are some of the Positive Psych buzz words. But I want to assert that Positive Psychology is (or at least it can be) so much more than that. It is about embracing a fully human experience, about exploring the ways in which that human experience becomes deeper, more meaningful, more fulfilling.

Notice I did not say that Positive Psychology is just about the ways in which human experience becomes more pleasant and enjoyable.

Because, here's the thing. Sometimes, life is really crappy. Ever have one of those days/weeks/months where everything goes wrong? You know what I'm talking about. I have a friend who talks about the "waves of life." He says that life is a lot like standing on the edge of the ocean. Waves come and go. Some of the waves are gentle and just roll over your feet and some of the waves are harsh and come out of nowhere and knock you to the ground so you don't know which way is up. Sometimes, we just have a lot of those hellish second type. Is happiness in the face of that really a useful or healthy goal? Is expecting ourselves to make that experience more pleasant really something that is going to enhance our well-being? I would assert not.

In this blog, I hope to chronicle my attempt to, in a way, reinvent positivity. My goal is to explore how all of life, when fully embraced, reflects positivity. The research and the tools brought forth in the Positive Psychology movement are going to be my launching point, to examine the ways in which we can allow our experience to become richer, deeper, more meaningful, more fulfilling, in a sense, more human. And through this, I'm going to have to change the way I think about positivity. I'm going to have to grapple with the difference between what is good and what is pleasant, what is strength and what is denial.